Archive for April, 2012

Zero: Easter Sunday

“Happy Easter Sunday”–isn’t that what we say? Yes, those of us traveling in Christian circles tend to say that, suggesting that we are pleased that Jesus rose.

For me today marks the end, officially, of my Lenten journey. I learned that yes, I can survive without chocolate, that in fact it was not the necessity I thought it was. In essence, I broke an addiction. Yay, me. However, through my efforts to fast from hate I discovered that I am probably depressed. I am emotionally weary. Yet still, yay me for getting to that point of recognition. And now the journey begins…

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Monday, April 9th, 2012 Confessions of a Cave Dweller 1 Comment

Lenten Countdown: 2

The day after tomorrow is Easter Sunday. If your math skills are on par, you should have figured that I am writing this on Good Friday. Despite its faith-based significance, it has actually been a good Friday; we talked with distant friends today and that generally made me happy. I even snuck in a bit of leisurely reading–something I have been taking the time to do more since Lent began.

But if asked about what changes have been he result of this year’s Lenten celebration, I would be lying if I said I’d had any great, positive epiphanies. This has been a tough Lent. I have found a very ugly interior hole and am struggling with its repair. Recognition, however, is a first step to healing and that gives me hope.

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Saturday, April 7th, 2012 Confessions of a Cave Dweller No Comments

Lenten Countdown: 5

I am reading Masterson’s 40 Days Without Food and in it he documents his journey on a 40 day fast; he describes what he learned through the process. I am only about 20% into it but I am struck by the new clarity about various non-food aspects of life.

My Lenten ‘give-ups’ are chocolate and hate; as I mentioned, the easy one was chocolate. I’m still working on the hate part but find that I have found quite a bit of clarity through the process. I realize how many issues cause me to experience intense emotion, particularly those things which relate to other things. For example, I watched Spike Lee’s “Malcolm X” earlier–I can’t make it through without crying, and today was no exception. I get stuck during the scene that is accompanied by “Change Gonna Come” (in fact, I just turned it on from Youtube while I write this…) but I become a real mess during the Ossie Davis eulogy part of the movie. Even the words move me. Then, I flip over to the news and watch more about the shooting at Oikos College. Where’s that change, Sam?

I must act, I must stand up; where are our heroes today, those who give hope to the hopeless? The young man who shot those people on the college campus is said to have retaliated for being picked on. Brother Malcolm and many others through time have been taken away for their part in the fight for equity.

I told my husband, as I wiped tears from my eyes during the movie, that if I ever had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Spike Lee, I’d have to tell him both how much I admire him for his talent and skill at weaving a story together and how much I hate him for his talent and skill at weaving a story together. I want to be like Mr. Lee when and if I ever grow up.

If I had talent like Mr. Lee, I could channel my desire for chocolate and my sin of hate into something meaningful. If I had talent like Mr. Lee, maybe I could make some significant change in the world around me.

I still have five days to figure out how to get there…

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012 Confessions of a Cave Dweller No Comments

Worth Remembering

I am sitting on the floor in my living room, watching NBC News with music playing in the background and a brown dog looking lovingly into my eyes. Despite all that activity, I sit here contemplating Lent, love, friendship, and loss. I continue to miss my greatest friend, Don Buchanan on this, the day before he came and went. In that space between spaces, I see him from time to time; the last occasion was in a dream, the specifics of which I no longer remember. Nonetheless, it was a good and familiar reunion.

Tomorrow will mark four years since Don left. What was April 1 like? I pray that it was a day of peace, despite the departure that soon followed. I comfort myself, selfishly, with that thought. I believe it wholeheartedly, particularly since the Don who happens into those spaces between spaces occasionally is smiling, content, and seems glad I stopped by for a visit.

It has been about 20 years since last I heard Don’s voice and he rarely talks when our spaces between spaces meet these days; the spoken word becomes nonessential at those times. What is important is the emotion, the feeling that comes when true friends, separated for a while, reunite; it is as if only a moment has passed since last we stood in the glow of one another’s aura.

I send extra prayers and positivity to the family as tomorrow dawns with memories. My knowing cannot compare to yours, but I pray that you are well and are finding some comfort through our tangential connection, through pleasant memories, and through loves shared.

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Monday, April 2nd, 2012 Confessions of a Cave Dweller No Comments